Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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