I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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