My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm gonna have a badass scar
from now on my penis is your penis
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
