$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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