This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
