i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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