My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
