dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
