So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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