Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You left your phone here
Wait...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
