those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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