i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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