I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
