Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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