just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
