haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
