Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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