Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
