So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
