I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
