I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
