Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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