i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
