this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
