he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
