When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
