apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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