i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
