That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
