well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
