Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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