i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
