I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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