i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
