I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everyone says I win the strip club
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
