went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
