Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
