You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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