Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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