I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so let's talk penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
