Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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