Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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