Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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