He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When did angry sex become our thing?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
