it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
