You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We need a shit load of segways right now
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
