i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
