Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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