I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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