i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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