fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
