Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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